You’re dead. This post is in memory of you.

I dreamt of you last night. We were by the pond. You were talking. I can’t hear what you were saying. I tried to say something but you kept on putting your hand up to quiet me down then you were gone.

They say dreams are not too far away from your realities. I understood what the dream was all about. Even in  my dreams, you wouldn’t give me the chance to explain things. I guess after 5 years, words lose its meanings. I gave up wishing to have that opportunity years ago, to talk to you one last time and clear the bad air between us [also, I forgot most of what  I wanted to tell you]. 5 years is a long time to be waiting to have the chance to say sorry. It’s a long time to be keeping that promise ring you gave and wishing that one day I’d be able to return it to you and tell you that I’ve taken care of it like you wanted me to. It’s only just a ring now anyway, the promise, dead with your flame. When I leave, I will no longer bring the ring with me. It is already where it needs to be, here.

You are now a distant memory. Before coming back here, I used to worry about and imagine what I’d feel when I see the places we used to go to. I drove around town today. I passed by the coffee shop we used to go to, the one near the mall. I saw the sport shop we went to when you were looking for some golf clubs. I saw the shop where I got your Christmas gift. These places, they are parts of my memory of you and when I thought they will bring out a sense of nostalgia in me, or any kind of feeling at the very least, I was wrong. These places did not evoke any feelings from me. They are just mere places to me now. I was relieved. The shadow of this distant past will no longer haunt me to my dreams.

In my dream, you were the same boy I met 5 years ago but more confident. You exude a certain kind of strength I didn’t see before. I’m not sorry anymore. You can hate me all you want. I don’t care because I know everything worked out well in the end. I’m fine with that.

This is in memory of you, of how happy we were when things were so simple, of how sad and painful things became when everything got out of hand and of the lessons we’ve both learned.  I am now putting you to rest. Just like the sordid love affair I’ve had, this is your last page here and on my mind-journal.

As always, I wish for your happiness. Maybe someday, you’d finally wish for mine too.